A tribute to 30

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have hit a milestone age. One that permits me to declare life lessons and share a little wisdom acquired. Here’s what I’ve learned my first 30 years.

Marriage
What I’ve learned from 5 years of marriage is how to allow myself to be loved. For most of my life I measured how much I loved someone by how much it would hurt when they left. Nothing makes me feel more vulnerable than loving someone that doesn’t love me back. And when Jeff came to me with this unrestrained love, this uninhibited, shameless love, I though for sure him a fool. Now I know that this is the only way to deeply love. And, although I have not completely rid myself of the natural instinct to reserve and protect my love, I have found in marriage enough security to accept love. And so to Jeff I offer you what you deserve, the same barefaced and bold love for which you have so unabashedly given to me.

Motherhood
I have learned that being a mother is both a privilege and a sacrifice to the highest degree. I have found that many things about being a parent are demonstrated by this ying and yang force of opposing emotions. Overpowering love comes with piercing frustration. Unsurpassable pride will follow excruciating worry. Impassioned hope can give birth to violent fear. Boisterous confidence will replace fitful doubt. Throughout these pendulum of affections there is always one constant – your unquenchable desire for their happiness. The other evening while I was putting Tanner to bed he touched my face and said, “Mommy, stay with me forever.” Tanner, this is my promise to you, my friend, for it is my privilege to love you.

Career
Ever since I can remember I have been business-minded and had a need to make a noteworthy contribution to something tangible and measurable. I have always felt comfortable climbing a career ladder, even a shaky, instable one. Until recently, I thought a successful career had to do with the corner office and a title.

A couple of months ago my boss told me that if I wanted to rise to the top, which I had the potential to do, I would have to change some things about myself. When she described what those things were (one was sometimes telling “little white lies”) I began to get a sick feeling in my stomach. As it turned out, this was one of the best and worst moments in my life. Surprising myself with calamity and security I didn’t know I possessed, I told one of the most influential senior vice presidents at my company that if that was what it took to be successful, I didn’t want it. At that moment, and for the first time in my life, I defined for myself what having a successful career meant. It means that I find a way to make progress while always doing the right thing and caring about the people involved.

Religion
So far in my life, the only truth for me in religion is that I don’t know for sure and I don’t think anyone else here does either. I’ve been told that I will be separated from my family and the ones that I love for eternity. And, I am aware of how much easier things would be for me if I was compliant. Believe me that I have tried to be. But, my soul knows a different truth and it cries out for me to crusade against my personal fear so that I may champion for unity in all people. All I can say is that I have to follow my own path. So far it has led me to explore tolerance, love and forgiveness. And I pray for the gallantness that is required in each of us when we strive to honor the truth inside us.

Being a woman
Like every women before me, I ponder what it means to be a women. I bounce my self image off the walls that are other women, mothers, sisters and girlfriends. And what I have learned so far is that women are at their best when they are not made to feel ashamed or inferior. We are our best when we are not made to feel trivial or that our purpose is not already laid out for us. We are our best when we are not compared to men or each other. We are our best when we are not associated with sin and are told we are equals. We are our best when we are not excluded. Being a woman has taught me to be careful what I let others make me believe about myself. And, that self love can rise above self doubt. It is from the lyrics of one of my favorite songs that I have found comfort in the self-consciousness of becoming a woman.

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

It is with the simplicity and complexity of these four lines that I best describe what the experience of becoming a woman has felt like for me.

The next 30 years
All in all, it’s been a good first 30 years. I think it was Tom Petty that said, “I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.” Today, looking back, I can say that I’m feeling ready and eager to take on the next 30 years. I’m in wonderment of what wisdom they will bring.