Unexpected

I’m about to write the two words that I truly believed I would never utter again…I’m pregnant.

I apologize if anyone feels that this blog is not the best way to share my news, but right now it’s the right way for me. I have always been honest about being a parent….the good and the bad. So please understand that I will not deny myself the truth of this situation. If you’ve ever felt this blog was too personal, well you might want to stop reading now. And, with all due sincerity and sensitivity, I know that many women - many of my friends, have faced challenges getting pregnant. I can honestly say I do not know the kind of suffering that may bring...all I can speak to is my own experiences of how an unexpected and unplanned pregnancy has changed my life. So, here is my story so far.

I don’t know how this happened. Jeff and I were not planning on having any more children; in fact, we were talking about permanent birth control options. We’ve always been careful and have used a birth control method that worked well for the past 4 years.

Even after signs that I might be pregnant, I denied it to myself. I finally got enough courage to take a pregnancy test back in early August, which gave me a false NOT PREGNANT reading. At that time, I have to admit that I felt so relieved. But, another month went by and the symptoms didn’t go away, in fact they got even more obvious.

I knew something wasn’t normal, but I didn’t want to admit that I might feel regretful if I knew for sure I was pregnant. After awhile I couldn’t deny the signs any longer. I knew I had to find out. And now I know for sure...yes, I'm definitely pregnant, already 12 weeks pregnant.

My first reaction was feeling scared out of my mind. But, actually, that feeling came and left much quicker than I thought. Next came a smile, a deep breath and an overwhelming feeling of calmness and relief.

The relief came from how great it felt to let all my well established plans fall to the floor and let fate step in for a change. Oh, how I have missed good old fate! You get older and you learn to control everything, leaving no room for spontaneity and surprise. But this…this is real life! Sometimes things just HAPPEN. How we respond to life is what makes us who we are. I want to be someone that can find happiness no matter where life takes me.

Next came a sweep of reality as I consider how having only one child allows you to fit motherhood into your schedule. But, having more than one child requires fitting everything else into being a parent. Things will have to change in my life. And, believe it or not, I welcome this change. I embrace this perfect mishap. It’s the most unexpected and overwhelming pleasant surprise I’ve ever know. A beautiful blunder. The most fantastic of unwanted gifts.

Some moments change your life forever. Another baby. Two kids! Ok. I can do this. I may be surprised and scared, but my love for this baby grows stronger everyday. And, I will always be grateful for this little person for changing my life exactly the way it needed to be changed. I can't wait to meet this soul that wanted to come here so badly to have made it here against all my stubbornness and determination.

I owe Tanner the experience of creating life for the first time. I owe this baby the experience of recreating my life…for the better.