Ahhhhhh. Mexico. Three nights. Two kids. One fantastic vacation! Mexico always hits the spot.
Sitting on the lawn chair looking out at the ocean, having lots of time to sit quietly and breath a little, think a little, then breath a little more.
For the past six months I have been practicing being content. Until recently, my whole adult life there has always been this feeling that something was missing, something not quite right. There was a lack of perfect. If only I had this or that I would finally be happy. If only this person would see my point of view. If only that was paid off, if only I had more of this, if only I had done less of that. I cannot count the times I thought to myself that my life was perfect except for this ONE thing that I needed to be different.
So I committed myself to being fulfilled. Right here, right now, as is.
It's not that misfortune in my life went away. It was still right there in front of me. But what I decided to do was make friends with it. I set some goals and took specific action to change what I could but then I accepted it. I let it into my life and made peace with it and welcomed it as you would a long lost, estranged relative that shows up at your front door. I carried it around with me like an ugly little pet -- taking care of it, being responsible for it, accepting it as part of the family. I let myself worry about it when I felt like worrying but I stopped myself after awhile and sought positive reinforcement (Jeff) or distraction (kids) or belonging (girlfriends).
And then one day it was gone. Just like that. Gone. So I expect to feel relieved. But that isn't it. That's not the right word. I'm happy, yes. But these days I feel more like an observer of my life than a participant. Good things come and go. Bad things come and go. I remain the same. More steady. Content.
What I have experienced so far in life tells me that good fortune, like bad fortune, is temporary, fleeting, circumstantial, transient and conditional. There is no need to find attachment to it. Happiness is only a thought away. Especially in Mexico!
2 comments:
Love your new polka dot bathing suit! And is that a tattoo on Tanner??? Glad you had a wonderful and well deserved trip to Mexico! Love you :)
Looks wonderful! I was just feeling yesterday to myself, like I was on the verge of a complete breakdown except I knew that it would pass. Like it always does, and that's what's amazing about like like you said. Happiness is a moment and it comes and goes not matter how perfect or imperfect your situation is.
Coming to see you guys and go to Mexico! I think the 6th of June is the weekend. Circus Mexicus???
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